I am back to it again. On Thursday, I came home, dead tired to a kitchen sink full of dirty utensils. I flared up.....I am not a super human being.....why am i expected to do every thing in this house. counting till ten under my breath so that I dont completely boil over, I told him....'isnt it lil unfair that its always me who has do this job' and he said ' i had the intention of doing it.'

i lost it...do intentions help? why cant you just do it? he comes home at 6:30 pm, I am back at about 10pm. I got bitter, raised my voice that I have a life worse than a maid because she at least gets paid.

the response from my better half - silence..... stoic silence. its been two days since he uttered a word unless asked a question. he is so comfortable in this silence that i wonder if i mean anything at all or does he see through me.

what is this going on in my life? this is not the marriage i wanted. this is not the spouse i wished for. this is not the way i expect my man to respond to my call for help....yes i didnt really plead but has he not got eyes to see or a heart to understand or a body that tells him what fatigue is.

why cant he ever be the mature one...the bigger one? i guess i am not needed. otherwise how can one go on being a stranger to their own spouse.

i am beginning to lose hope......i am confused. the worse is there isnt anyone i can share this with. my old, retired parents will die if they as much as get a whiff of my marriage being on rocks. friends wont understand and i am not sure they need to know.

in the second week of January, we were in kerala for his friend's wedding. well, i am not a very social person, he is. I take time to get pally with new people and often my conversations are nothing more than social pleasantries. He is of the impression that I expect people to approach me and that I am stuck up. May be I am....or may be I am one of those who can keep themselves occupied without talking to anyone.

the stay for his friend's marriage was an eye opener.....i am not his perfect mate, he made it clear with his attitude. He wants someone who is more social, easy going and wants a close knit, big fat family. he severed ties with his own and he is not close to mine. Where will this dream family come from? 

he gets super impressed with families that stay abroad, because he feels life anywhere out of India is great. this wedding had many such families and it was obvious that he was trying too hard to be nice to them. why?

when he can be so nice to others....total strangers, when he can be a great friend to others, why is it that I am treated so bad. I think I am being taken for granted. may be he is fed up of this marriage .....may be I am not the wife he thought I would be.

God, please give me clarity of thought and the wisdom to chose the right path. Please help me.

I am very confused, tired, disillusioned and a bit disappointed. we don't talk anymore.....i mean we do exchange words - will you have breakfast, when will you reach home - but there are no heart to heart chats anymore. I will agree that I am talkative one between the two of us but we never had this silence between us, there were always things to talk about. He keeps things to himself and I am increasingly realizing that he wants me pent up every thing inside myself, never talk it out, not share it. This is not the life I envisioned for myself.This is not a companionship I wished for. Why has this wedge cropped up between us? Why wont he talk.....why wont he hear?

Its weird, very very weird! More so because I am feeling it. Of all  the people!

I am beginning to love someone I have never seen, who does not exist, not as of now, at least. However, I think about this person quite often these days....my own thought process staggering me.

Sometimes, I catch myself wondering how it be like to him/her near me. Sometimes, I nearly extend my arm to touch his/her head, caress the nice, thick mane of black hair. May be it would be brown, just like mine. I love this lil one, he/she makes me smile. My heart melts....I yearn to have them around.

Bombay

We shifted to Bombay (I refuse to call it Mumbai....Bombay is my city of dreams)

In fact it was me who was desperate for this change. He was reluctant...Bangalore suited him fine. He was happy, loved his work, had friends and colleagues he respected and cared for. It was me....my desperation, boredom of having been in the city for more 6 six years that forced him to agree for a base shift. I didn't even give him time to react, I took things in my hands, told him this will be good for my career, lets go.

He said a muted yes; I didn't bother to read his silence. I felt no pain leaving the house we had bought a year ago, decorated it with so much affection....each curio hand picked by us after much consultation and deliberation. I was ready to leave this all, for my career, my urgency of getting over the monotonous, sedated Bangalore life.

We shifted to Bombay on Sept 28. Wide eyed, with hopes in my heart, I sat next to him in the cab to what would be our new home. A one bedroom house, that he had warned me rather strictly may come as a shock to me. I didn’t pay attention; it can’t be that bad....

After 20 minutes, we were in front of this grey, greenish building. Our new home was at the first floor. We entered, with me telling myself no matter how...but u have to like it. I think I did. I did the 'sthapna' of the idol of my lord Ganesha.

My better half was numb, won’t react. The loo was too small, but I won’t complain, even though I am claustrophobic. He refused to use the toilet, wont leave the bed where was lying like a lifeless soldier. I did the kitchen; a burning stove would make it seem everything was on track. For two days, he was in what I would call as 'withdrawal'. He won’t talk but I could hear his unsaid words. My heart cried.....I can’t make him unhappy, but I also can’t let go of my career. I have to give it that shot. If I lose, I will know I gave it my best. I could not console myself the same way if I had remained in Bangalore.

On October 3, we both started our new offices. He doesn’t talk about his colleagues as he would in Bangalore I don’t even have the landline number of his office.

My office....I have known the people here for along time. Are they friends? No....
today, after 3 months, I am looking back at my stint so far. I guess I have gained nothing....yeah may be work wise a bit, but personally nothing.

It’s a mad, bad, big city. If you are lonely, it makes you lonelier. If you don't have friends, it makes you all the more isolated. If you are stressed, it makes you crazy with anxiety, if you are sensitive, it hurts you every day with its rough attitude, if you are warm, it sears your heart with coldness, if your want peace, you might as well die, you will never find it here. Bombay is making me restless; I am sad, empty and have given up hope. And the worse is I feel I will never be able to go back to Bangalore.

understand this......

He said: I love you
But there r things in life which form a big part of it
We need to understand it........

one day

One day I will walk away
Without a backward glance
Blinded by tears
Writhing in pain
I will walk away, to give you your life……

Damn the passwords!!!

Oh God, who created this nuisance called "password"? Man, how much I detest passwords! First, it seems there is a password for everything under the sun these days.....email addresses, account numbers, ATMs and even the blog, and it all has to be crammed in one mind. Ah!!!!

A poor, absent-minded soul like me invaribly ends up mixing up all paswords and generally end up standing or sitting like a fool, looking around for help.

Oh, what else can you expect from me when I have around 13 passwords. My closest friends get irked with this habit of mine and come out with suggestions of keeping one password for all. My dearies, beloveds....its not possible, particularly when i have crooks like all around me.

I have got my own ATMs blocked, requested and rerequested for change of passwords.....and my problem still continues.

Today after having forgotten the passworld for my blog for nth time, I have just come to accept that blessings of high tech world are to be enjoyed by those who can keep a track of their passwords. Happy pass-wording!!!!!!!!